Archive for January, 2007


Visited Stanford College today! Ummmm the course that Malachi is signed up for is one that I taught and was course director for back in Colchester. Alternative education within a FE setting thus enabling the students to not only get a taster of self motivational education but also to have the freedom that they state they require! While I am encouraged by the opportunity for him to take GCSE’s I am not happy with the limitation of the subjects offered. The College is also one of vocational opportunities and I felt concerned that even at so early a stage as in interview the push was very present to have Malachi do either building or mechanics. Of course the obligatory option of hairdressing was also offered and dismissed in the same sentence. Always being one for first’s, Malachi seems to be following my footsteps. Ever other student on the course is statemented. The poor women who were there from the council did not know where to look when the director said I will assume that Malachi is statemented. The only come back they had was that the council would pay what every was required no questions asked. Wanted to piss myself. If the council were to statement Malachi now they would have to retract there stance for the last year and grant the request I made back then. Hold tight ya fuckers coming for ya soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shared experiences!!!


The boy done lock himself in his room for like two days this time. Don’t ask me what he finds so hard about doing the washing up but still ya know he came out of his room and done it in the end. Think he must of lost track of time in there as he was thinking that he was like three days missing!!! Got the feeling that he climbed out his window and was on street on at least one occasion, still the police didn’t bring him back so what can I say. I remember when I was his age and was scaling drainpipes to go out to blue’s dem at night time, but duno bout progression he’s taken it one step further!


His alternative education is crap!!! Not that he does not get out of the house and do the socialising thing twice a week wid some man in the local health club. But if that is education going swimming and sauna plus chatting shit about how fit dem gal look, plus what the man would and would not like to do, wid dem, I wonder what he is being socialised into! Perversion maybe!! Still if the local council got £40 an hour to pay man to chat shit to my son me and them gonna buck up soon!!!!


While the local council state to have taken over his education I have serious doubts as to not only their low expectations of him but also the lack of opportunities that this alternative education can bring. The only thing they got left to give him is a clocking in card dam joka’s!!!


My little man Isaiah is sweet, so his mother tell’s me!! Seems the psp did the trick. Seem’s to keep him occupied and his mother is less stressed. Had a good look at them with him before we brought one. The graphic’s on them are dam wicked. I don’t think they were designed for the younger market and I have my concerns and all that about prolonged use co’s of the strain on the eyes and all that. But for an entertainment package I think that it is ok, and for it’s portability and other gadgets I think he was pleased. He got car’s the game from the movie with it and one of the football games. Car’s he’s completed and the football game is seeming a bit hard for him so I asked his mother to change it for him. The playability of some psp games like the football and football manager seem for us oldies. The dam thing plays movies too, had a look at a few and considering it’s a new consol the prices are quite reasonable. Our project for this half term is to get the rest of the gadgets for it that enable it to be internet accessible and whatever else it can do!!! Isaiah has been set the task of looking it up on line and getting back to me!!! Research at such an early age, pissing myself!!!


Having trouble with everything electrical at the moment!! Must be draining the power out of everything in the house init joka’s. had a few things to take back to pc-world and was ready to lick down some facty little git in there, bout did I get out of bed on the wrong side. Still not that he had a point I was just so pissed of with the pc-world staff that I didn’t have time for polite conversation let alone cheek from a bwoy!!! Ended up looking for how to complain to the company and would ya know it, there are no contact details on their site! Strange I thought until I came across this . seems that whole dixson’s, pc-world, curry’s thing are just taking the piss out of people. While I got a full refund to my card for two of the three things I took back it would appear that not many peeps have been that lucky!!! I took the time to read some of the complaints and fully empathies with what some of those bods have had to suffer, there but for the grace of god go I an all that, but still of late where I have taken the time to look up what I want and find out about it I have been surprised by the bull shit and miss information that many of the sales staff in this company think that they can get away with. I being one of those peeps who get pissed off big time will never set foot in their shops again. While this last episode was the final straw an all that I was on my way down that road when in looking for a digi-cam I cam across the price difference between the three shops. I already knew that they were part of the same company but was really surprised to see differences of up to £150 on some cam’s from the same bloody company. To me that states that they take the average person for a fool. In this day and age when it is so easy to use site’s like to find what ya want at a good price companies like this still attempt to over charge for many of their products. I for one have got my computer and electrical goods from these bodies for years BUT NO MORE!!!!! Ya taking the piss so forget it getme!!!!!!!



"What is love?" you ask It’s a feeling in both mind and body A passion, a chemistry one might say Longing to be near, close, Long talks about nothing, Laugher and sharing Eyes filled with devotion,
Not wanting to imagine life without the other, Doing nothing together and having the best time. Well, I think, you know the answer already Listen to your heart with open ears You will hear the answer…it is very clear. My Love …
     I sit here and realize how strong I’ve become,
with such confidence I feel that I finally found that one.
This feeling is so strong I’m powerful when he’s present.
It feels like a day of Christmas after opening my first present,
The joy that he brings is the most wonderful thing,
It’s like December and April or Christmas in Spring,
I Love my royal king, my soul he uplifts,
and he LOVES me back, for me that’s the greatest gift.

Everybody can chat!!!

Every body can chat!!


When it comes down to it we all got an opinion of what is wrong in life and how this can be put right, catered for or who need shooting.


But the bottom line is that with most peeps that is just chat. I want to, I am thinking of, I was going to. Ya bloody joka’s!!! shut up and stop chatting rubbish to me I aint got time to be your personal motivator what ya take this thing for.


Those of you who are adults shut up wid ya foolishness and come out of ma face, you kids listen up as I don’t like repeating myself too often. Ya want something done then go do it or fine a nex man who can. If he don’t do a good job that’s fe him business move on learn to do it ya self or fine a nex man wid some sense an longevity.


Still on you young people stick with this word longevity. Who you are now is your concern, but give that five years or so and it will then be the concern of the social. Thus learn the norm’s customs and values of the social space that you intend to occupy. If ya gonna teeth ya need to be dam good at it the same would go for being a banker (same thing really) shop keeper or who ever.


On the other had you have the potential to be something we don’t yet have a name for!! Go on break the mould!!


Within any social contract/interaction, it requires that both parties act accordingly. A large proportion of our social infrastructure is based upon the fact that they will not!!!!


Court’s, police, security, judiciary, immigration, prisons all require that someone somewhere breach or brake the rules.


So again I ask you where ya gonna be in five years time!!!


Up until an age that social decision is already made for you, class, creed, wealth, but there is an option of choice, a space for determination/motivation an opportunity for change, growth/development.


Are you open to learning!!! Are you aware of the options open to you???




Searching for a way to help? You’ve found it.

Support by using Live Search. Each time you search here until March 31, 2007, Microsoft will make a contribution to, a UN Refugee Agency-led campaign providing educational resources for the nine million refugee youth around the world.


Oioi missing for a while!! Got one of two things that need my full attention init!!!!


I have been a game player for years. Started back in the day with the Intelevision game consol and moved on to the saga mega drive with cd and card converters. After that was the ps1 and dreamcast (what a load of crap) and then came the ps2 with it’s really good playability. Then came the xbox. The xbox appealed to me due to the nature of the playability of the games and it’s appeal to my younger children. The graphics are very cartoonified and thus hold the attention of my youngest son. But now we have the xbox 360. what a bloody leap in game playing. The graphics are something else. Got hold of one yesterday with 4 games:


1.     Lost planet

2.     Condemned

3.     Ghost recon

4.     Gears of war


The whole package cost just over £400 with an additional joy-pad. What an investment. Malachi and I tested out the games until 2am this morning. The playability of the games is something else, the graphics are just out of this world. We have an hd ready projector and the ability of the consol to use all five of the hd plugs turns the standard picture into real playable extreme graphics.


Our consideration was that we were only going to buy one big thing for the home this year. Considering the fact that this is winter and we spend the most time indoors the choices where limited. A tv, sky or other forms of in-house entertainment. We already have a ps2, xbox, and one or two hand held’s along with two laptops. The xbox 360 was the next logical choice and will be entertaining us for some time to come. The playability of the games and ease of controllers means that when Isaiah visits at half term we will have to go and get another joy-pad as one of the games is up to 4 players, one 2 players while the other two are single they are just as entertaining to watch as they are to play.


The next major advantage of the xbox 360 is the online playability. While you have to subscribe to xbox live gold in order to play the games you should look out for the two month free subscriptions that many of the new games have to offer. If you just use one at a time you can extend your playability for some time. Once a member of  xbox live you can play any of your games without having another xbox live subscription. Alternatively you are an automatic xbox live silver member when you purchase the product. This can be used to get on line, chat with other xbox users and also download additional map’s, demo’s and software for you xbox 360.


£400 dose not go far these days, but as things stand, for an entertainment package that will last us as a family for some time it is a worthwhile investment and I can see us having many hours use out of this. One of the benefits that I have yet to test out is the xbox’s ability to play and save your music. The xbox seems to be heading towards the home entertainment systems. The ability of it to play both dvd’s and cd’s means that our cd and dvd players are now obsolete!!!  

It’s nice to be surprised now and again.

And while ya still smiling someone can kick ya in the teeth!


Let’s put that in perspective shall we. Phoned me baby boy back as I said I would. Later than I intended too ya know how it is init! Was well surprised to hear that not only had he done his homework but that his mother had helped him. Bowed my head down in shame an all that ya know what I was expecting, (yeah alright I’ll allow that cussing this time). Then I get round to asking him ya know the small talk stuff, what ya doing, what ya have for dinner and all that. Well like how he don’t like food he could not remember what dinner was. But he was there in the kitchen with his portable dvd player watching a movie.(a cert 15) Ask him what’s wrong with the tv an he said nothing just wanted to watch this movie. He’s 9! Independent as a 9 year old can be he does his own thing, got his lappy, xbox, ps1 an now this dvd thing. I have a lot of contact with Isaiah anyways as we call each other a few times a week and do the msn thing too besides which he spends his school holidays with me, yes all of them apart from the odd weekend or something init joka! I was beginning to be a bit concerned over him of late as duno he has phoned more often and has nothing to say or phones several times an evening and just said hello that kinda thing. Planning on popping down there next Tuesday if I can wait that long duno got to do the London trip then so see. My point! I don’t know what 9 year olds do when they are on their own. I know from working with kids that when they are with their peers they still like to play run outs and stuff, still like games but nothing too serious, still like to play war in the woods and shit. But I know nothing of a 9 year old on there own at home. I spoil Isaiah rotton, he’s the baby and that’s my job. Did it with Malachi did it with Bradley. Now I would taper that word spoil with some justification. One being a distant parent it was always my consideration to provide things for them. More often than not it was things that I had an interest in. Bikes, roller-skates, games machines, mobile phones and now computers. As my interest’s changed and developed so have my children’s up to a point.  Isaiah has never been like that! He is the only one of five boys that has ever been into football. And I mean into football, pc and consol games, football kits, footballs, trainers the works. Actually thinking about it he was the only one of the boys that was that way socially inclined at that age. And the only reason that comes to mind is ME!!!!!!!! I am, have always been, and will forever remain a home bod! I provide myself with the latest gadgets convinces and anything else that will make my home a place where I want to be. I don’t mean that in a material sense in that I have the best of everything but in that I have what I want to keep me occupied. Weights are the thing at the moment, but other than that computers, internet, music, in-house cinema, food an drink enough to last forever. But Isaiah does not have that! There is no one there when he gets home from school. There is no one there to pick him up from school. I have spent the last year so engrossed in dealing with Malachi’s issues and the issues him living here have manifested that Isaiah has gone by the wayside. Looking at him now it is often hard to find the glee in his eyes. There was something there that said he was well happy to be who he was and was loving it. Now when I see him I want to look away. There is a glimmer of who he used to be. Give him an hour or two and the dimples are back and the eyes open. Give him a week and he’s challenging the world. He goes home from half terms with such a bounce of confidence in being him. I used to think it was me when I lived there. That I was the problem. Think is perhaps an over statement. I was almost convinced by others. But the last visit brought it home to me. My step-sons were doing the usual thing offering to take each other outside, Bradley was in the front room saying nothing encase he exploded (dam he’s so much like me) Malachi was sneaking in and out thinking no one was noticing and Isaiah and his mother were having a war at the table, which resulted in him running off to his room and Jackie half way after him. I felt out of place. I couldn’t tell Jackie I thought she was wrong, although Bradley did. I could not tell Dom and Kev to shut the fuck up as ya know £3.50 is like fucking what! And Malachi for his part was holding it together. I ate my dinner and left. And wouldn’t ya know it I was the only one to leave my plate at the table. Yes I said sorry but my mind was elsewhere init joka!


I know the answer, the solution stares at me every time I open my eyes. Love them, be with them, provide for them show them that there is another way to be. But I can not and there is nothing that I can say to that right now. I’m stuck, feel restricted. Confined by expectations of who and what I am supposed to be! Trapped by the bounds of individuals who walk the walk but don’t say a god dam word and yet they go church. I have imploded and now await the explosion. Some-things got to give, it’s getting too quiet!



Malachi has been in his room for nearly twenty four hours now. He got vex last night because I made him pack up his laptop and ps2 for smoking in his room. I was so vex with him I told him he’s not getting them back till half term. Harsh I know but still. It’s been on the cards that he was going to kick off. Ya get to know the signs with him. Not that he becomes more testy which he does but that he becomes more physically intimidating. In trying to balance this out I have to consider that

1.    he kick’s off every 4 to 6 weeks, it’s like a release valve going off, ya don’t look forward to it as it makes ya jump, but when it’s done ya know there’s a long time before the next one

2.    the last time he kicked off was just before xmas, went for 10 days and ended up back here in 2

3.    things have changed as of Monday. For the last three and a half months I have been teaching him at home and as of Monday the local exclusions team have taken over

4.    I don’t know where he’s coming from right now. I can not remember the emotions from 13. I recollect the actions, starting to smoke, being in a gang, getting into trouble, mainly out on the street and being taken home by the police, but I don’t know how he’s feeling!

5.    is last nighttoday a step forward? Not coming out of his room is a way of dealing with things is it not! Avoidance is an option! I have allowed him the space, not that I can do much other than kick off the door, but how alone that must be!

Am I too understanding? What’s next to try? His mother has suggested that I take him the medication route and get him ladled. That worries me co’s of the amount of labels that he has already and I regard that as being the easy option. It would be easy to give him his ritalen or some other junk so he can function, but that’s not what I feel he needs. Time and space would be a good start and that’s what I hope I have been doing in the last year, but what next?  


Mental illness has a tendency to first appear in teens. Being the anti socialite that I am and knowing a little of everything I feel that in many instances that this dramatic and traumatic period can be overcome with time patients and support. Going off or staying on the rails is a choice that many make unwittingly at the 12 to 15 year range. Once started others keep you in that general direction regardless of what you may or may not choose to do further on.


I feel I am missing something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the worrying thing is it might be me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Mind awash with thoughts anew

Mind awash with thoughts anew

Contemplation consideration of what to do

New year beginnings and expectations abound

Trying to move forward and stay on the ground


Motivation is the hidden key

For what we desire a price there will be

Delayed gratification justification for strife

All in the name of improving ones’ life


Placed in perspective of a life that’s lived

No cold or hunger or graves to dig

No genocidal tribe to wipe us out

But yet to be heard we still have to shout


Is there more than we can do

To improve this world not just for you

Greenhouse gases and worries for life

To restrict progression without the use of a knife


New year beginnings with old year wars

Historical struggle to heal old scores

Theories of control and manipulation abound

From hiding dictators who are found underground


Barbaric the treatment they give to their own

Causing concern and anger far from their home

Democratic attempts to bring them in line

Results in a death but surely a crime!


Graphic depictions of men on a rope

Surely this is not what we now call hope!

Heads popped from bodies in attempts to make things right

How others have died alone in the night

No such thing as madness!

Spent like the last ten days looking for a digital camera. Can I choose, can a say yes and settle for one! No bloody chance. Consideration of price pixel zoom capacity indoor use without a flash. What the hell. Leaving it now as I really an not able to make up my mind! The bloody same has to be said for trying to find a sofa. Mind you that was only the one trip, thanks Die for the company and ya input, pure jokes as every. Spent close to two hours in the dam shop testing out every sofa and only managed to get it down to five and one was only in the running for the free dinning table and chairs jokes init.


Very comfortable with the idea of not being on MSN messenger at the moment. Have the time to write up a few things now init. Got whole heap of course work to do and have even found the time to do some exercises jokes. Miss chatting to the most bodies but bottom line is it felt like I had moved into hyper space and it was getting a bit intrusive. I miss the times when I would be pissing myself out loud at all hours of the morning and Malachi would come in and shout at me to go to my bed joka!!! Most often time he ever used please init! The down side to being constantly on line would be being accessible to individuals that I would only describe as being manic depressive, schizophrenic or just plain stupid init! What a load of crap, to actually use your time to go out of your way to actively make others feel bad, you sad fuckers and yes you know I am talking about you don’t you!!!


Gone ramp with some food now init as feeling a bit on the skinny side. Pissing myself here as sweet young girl that I was chatting with is having problems with bigger women (well that’s her thing init) but it’s clothing she was chatting about init and I couldn’t help but laugh as those who are big always tell you they are not and lie about their size an all other types of shit. What can I tell ya other than if you are not happy with it how the fuck ya expect anyone else to be.


If we are able to create reality with the use of words (as I feel individuals have the power/ability to do) what form of reality have you created today for who, why?



Why haven’t you learned anything! Man that school shit is a joke! The same people who control the school system control the prison system! And the whole social system every since slavery! They Schools by the Dead Prezidents!


Being a parent in my experience is similar to being married. Unconditional love, care and respect plus all the devotion and loyalty that comes with that. So many adults are so much like older children. Observation over time enables one to observer and accept the personality of another or not. Does not mean you like it or are happy with it, but like most social interactions it is something that can be dealt with tolerated or accepted as such. The concept still remains the same in that the acceptance of one is often based upon individual conceptions of appropriate, acceptable and predictable interactions based upon experience, knowledge and expectations. What happens when that is not the case. Do you challenge the individual/s concerned or do we reflect upon our perceptions and or judgements?



Who are you responsible to? While we like to imagine that we are independent of things people circumstances, do what we want, in control of our own lives and all that. But the bottom line is how far are we willing to go?



At the best of times I am a totally anti-social being! Yes I like people and sometimes the company of others, but on the main I prefer to keep all my social interactions to those based upon some form of contractual agreement i/e work, shopping or some other mutual exchange contract. These being the winter months now means that I am in hibernation. Not wanting to go out, get cold wet or otherwise uncomfortable in any way form or manor. Thus I am self restricted to the confines of the flat working on body and mind for some months now self improvement, maintenance and preparation rolled into one.


The first street gang that I was part off and aware of the fact I was when I was 13. About the age that Malachi is now. Prior to that I used to hang out in the adventure playground on Angle Road and the Marcus Lipton Youth Club across the road from there. None of the lads that I hung about with in the evenings went to my school. Don’t ask me what went on there but my brother and I seemed to be the only one’s in our locality that did not go to local schools. I don’t remember my mother and farther discussing our education other than the fact that there was no way we would be going to the same school. It had become quite apparent from primary that my brother was interested in his books while I liked to be behind the bike shed and playing fields of St. Julian’s primary with Susan Saunders as it was back in them days. My poor bro, every time I got into some sort of trouble they would have to send for him. The slipper that they used to try and give you in them days was pure jokes so they would send for my brother and his **** blue belt taken hastily from his Mac!


Others consider me to be a bit of a rebel/bad boy image kinda thing! But that is not the way that I view or envisage myself as being! I like to regard myself as being a bit of a book worm, but I would not say that I read books. Malachi complains that I even read the manual of the new joystick that we got. Then he come’s and asks to use it joka. While I like learning and have accepted that in many cases this also revolves around reading reading for me is something not done for pleasure but merely to obtain more information, further knowledge!


The professional practice of self reflection is something that I have taken akin to. Not for the fact that in the work context that it is efficient as personally I conceive it to be more or a restrictive tool in such contexts. But because I feel that used in an integrated examination of self and persona it can be an effective tool for self development.  Now here I am picking my words very carefully as I do not want belief’s, value’s or customs to creep in at some point (other than restrictively in who I am) but as such I would ask where it is that I am! In time and space?


Some of the questions that I have been asked are the likes of “do you feel you are before your time”? would you like to have been about one hundred years ago. Basic everyday psychological questioning based upon that we feel that we can know the mentality of another by selective questioning. We love to test others, place them within our own societal confines and thus assign them to a place within our domain.



Random thought! Went for a piss an it’s like 02:58 and hear the little voices, solder like in overtone, open Malachi’s bedroom door and there he is sitting crossed legged watching a DVD on his laptop. Grining like the what’s it cat and telling me bout it’s almost finished. What can I say other then he’s taking the piss! But he’s not the only one up this time of night is he!!!

At a place where I have been before!

Observing things seldom understood as a door!

Now is the time to implant a change!

Before those things, once again become strange!


Déjà vu the concept of time

Something forgotten or something divine?

Left eye refection to the right sided brain

Is this imagination, or are we back here again?


Crossroad, turnpikes roundabouts in kind

Look each way for the directions to find

Decisions, contemplations of which way to go

Until the next time when will we still think we know


Quote Just the usual weekends drive joka’s!

Live Search Maps

Now ya see we just got to go there now init!


What ya coming here banging up ya gums for like this is your time and place! It’s not like anyone knows who you are so don’t know why ya trying to stay anonymous put ya dam bigmouth an self up here so we can see who’s chatting. I don’t see you in any of my photo’s dem and I haven’t seen ya sorry ass self here with anything good to say, so what the fuck ya doing here now like ya belong. Go and find something to clean and keep ya self busy and stop cuss people co’s ya never get whatever it is the fuck ya wanted, get me JOKA!!!!!!

Now you would think that some peeps would want to start a new year with joyfulness and all that init! Well here’s pissing on ya picknick init ya joka’s! some want to carry on with the same old stink from last year like they don’t know what reflective practice is ya joka’s! look back over the last year see what was good and not so good and don’t start the same ole same ole that got ya in the shit in the first place getme!! I’m not looking any free argument with anyone so go find something mildly constructive to do with ya self co’s I got no time left to be ramping with you jokas. Put it on hold till the summer time or something init when peeps got more energy and time!!! Jokes dem fa true!!!!


On a lighter note!! Going to pick up Malachi’s snake in a few hours and finding out the boy gone and done arranged where I am an am not going WTF. Must pop into my mum’s init or get cuss to the ground as gonna be like half hour away. Then Malachi has arranged for a two hour detour to go see his modder in Colchester. What was initially a free snake is fast becoming an over draft, pissing it up here. And for those of you who were concerned (or hoped) that the male body in Rutland was mine get out of here ya joka’s!! Not quite ready for that one yet but don’t push init can see the edge clearly now.


The route From: LE15 6LH,Oakham

Via: KT1,Kingston Upon Thames

Via: SE25 4XU,South Norwood

To: CO1 2GW,Colchester


Distance: 223.3 miles

Time: 5 hr 12 min


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