Archive for May, 2007

Look at the blasted time!! I need to go to my bed. I feel a tiredness!! Not of the body or of the mind but of a time and place, a state of being!!! I just done season up the chicken wings dem, hot and spicy, should go well with chips and a salad. Done cook up the mince and leaving it to settle before I dish it up and freeze half of it!!! It has been a good day, but yet I feel unfulfilled!! I have seen, tasted, touched and smelt much of what life has to offer and yet there is this blandness to all things!! Things seem in perspective but yet have lost there glee. What were once challenges have become monotonous, the game is no longer enjoyable to me!!! So might as well go do the washing up and see what tomorrow brings, for today was a good day!!!    

Kids will be kids will be kids. You can leave them on their own for hours and they are fine!! As soon as you step into the room wahay all hell breaks loose. There is only four years difference between Isaiah and Malachi but hay what a difference!! They are both so spoilt to the bone, used to getting their own way and each being in control of their own environment. Isaiah loves the idea that when he is here he is the baby again, he commits and gets away with murder!! Malachi on the other hand is so gutted that his space is invaded lol!! He has to share his front room and Isaiah spends more time than him on the xbox. I sometimes think that as the mediator I get in the way more than anything. When I am not about while Isaiah is just as cocky he knows when to stop, but when I am about he goes on and on and on the little rat!!! Tomorrow is Xbox Live day. I promised that I would play for a full eight hours at least one day this week!! And seeing as we have done the food and clothes shopping thing tomoz would be a good time. Phone on answer phone, mobile off, fridge door open lol!!! While I have and still do enjoy my time as a parent, and as my mum continually reminds me she is still a mother lol I would not want to do it again. Maybe its age, combined with consideration supported by hindsight who knows but it boils down to no thank you!!! I know too much to turn a blind eye!! I have seen too much to look the other way!! And I have done far too much not to care!!! I worry too much for what their futures may hold!!! There was a time when I wanted to change the world, where I felt that I had boundless time and energy, alas such times are no more!! Now I just want to understand the situation, get to grips with the individuality of now and the experiences of how!! My considerations are no longer what is the next challenge? but where is the longevity of it all, where is this leading too? Realisation is such a time of passing. Sad as a description would not be the correct term, but the sight, sound and in ya face experiences of life’s mortality have a sobering effect, literally!!! To drift away and become insignificant, to hide the light that burns in dark places!!! To become what one has always rejected, to settle into the bliss of nothingness!!!



Malachi has had a difficult week!! I do not recall ever having had to send him to his room on so many occasions. But considering that this has been merely verbal confrontation and abuse then it has to be seen in the light of progression. He is accepting of the boundaries which are ever so central to our cohabitation, but also those specific to his younger brother. Cat and dog, continual nipping, pulling chasing from both of them, but also loving, playful and considerate. A blessing and a torment to see!!! I have removed the door from Malachi’s front room (last week) due to this being his safe verbal and physical retreat. While I did not want to rob him of this option I disagreed with the fashion in which he chose to use it. Thus his retreat is now his bedroom. I respect this place of his and only venture in there to wake him up or stick my head round the door to see if the floor is still there. No matter how many times I ask him he never has any washing lol, but when I can not see the floor it’s time to ask twenty times a day till I get all his clothes. That room is his space and a safe space that I do not mind conceding. Should he storm of there then that is his boundary and something very drastic other than the usual verbal insults need to occur for me to breach this!! I sense a step forward, not anything new that I have done or omitted to do, but a growth within Malachi. A consideration, a state of self control an awareness of his surroundings kinda thing!!!



I would not class my self as a dog owner. I don’t know, if I owned a mirror and looked into it I would not say hay you look like the kind of person to have a dog!! But I have allowed on to share our home with us. There is such an emphasis on that share thing I tell ya. I have never had to resist the temptation so much to get the bloody hover out and follow the dam dog around the house. Why people choose to have dogs and kids at the same time is so understandable as they both require so much of the very same thing init, love in all its aspects. Every aspect of my world has been invaded for the past week but that is not how it feels!!! I have walked the streets at 6am, 1am, 3pm and 10pm. Observing, interacting and stopping to take the time to enjoy my surroundings. A good five minute brisk walk and I can not see another human soul. I stop smell and take in the sounds of nature (shame it’s been continually raining but hay) and wonder why it is that so many live in cities!!! Given the choice I am where I would rather be, and given the circumstances I am enjoying it while I can for such things do not last in reality but continue to sustain us in our daily activity. I feel normality has found where I live and is knocking on the door every so quietly trying to gain my attention. Again so quickly I feel the cross roads ahead!!!!

Long long days!!!

The last week is a blur. I am past saying this is Monday or Tuesday as the days just seem to keep rolling. I am sleeping when I have the time and space lol and fitting in the things I can and need to get done. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I am not sleeping it’s just that with more day light my days are being extended and thus feel ever so long. Thus I am getting so much more done but that feels none stop!!! Malachi and Isaiah are doing the brotherly thing and pissing each other right off and calling ‘DAD’ jokers. I just look the other way till I carn’t tack no more and send them both to their rooms for half an hour, not doing the taking sides shit. The dogs fine and jumping on anyone that is up for it lol. I see the dog run one way followed by the boy’s and then the boy’s running followed by the dog, pissing my self all the way lol. Half way through the week and I already feel like I have done everything and nothing, dam!!!

Some individuals only have bad news to come bring you!! While I moan and complain about everything I don’t stop there, I take things on board and push them to a conclusion. I am a stickler for policy. Quote policy at me all you like co’s I will take my time to go look it up and then come tell your sorry ass something too init. As for you!! Ya come with ya bad news again! I can hear the glee in your voice as you bad mouth and down talk individuals expressing the concern!! That you supposedly have. You are sick!! Ya need some kinda help!! If ya wasn’t chatting bout blood I would not have the time of day for you so carry on banging up ya gums dem init as as I told you, that is not my concern and it’s not something that I am going to get involved in so where ya going next ya joker!!!


Emotions! We learn the name of emotions that we feel from the interpretations of those around us. Thus if we express how we feel others will say we are acting angrily, lovingly, sweetly etc. But what if those interpretations are wrong? What if when I feel apprehensive you tell me that I am acting aggressively, when I feel sullen you tell me I am cold.


Questions questions I always have bloody questions. I am at the stage now where I have to ask myself what it is that others want from me? Ummm I think that it is bad to compare individuals that you have relationships with but in this instance the observation is not about them but about the observations they make about me. I would like to say that most relationships finish on an amicable level, my experience, but I am concerned with the reiteration of certain issues:

1.    That while there seems so much of me I only get a little

2.    That I am not emotionally responsesive 

3.    That I do not use or show my full potential. ( I think that is covered kind of by the first two but I would leave it as standing alone also)


I have to consider those after the event statements in light of the fact that they are after the event lol. In most instances I balance that with the fact that while we/I was/were in that relationship as with all relationships they had there issues but the above three are always always after the event like someone looking justification and understanding for what has just happened. I didn’t like you anyway lol, reactionary, defensive justification for feelings of personal rejection. Can some individuals not distinguish between the rejection of a situation/circumstances rather than an individual? I do not drink per say. I might have a drink with a particular friend because they like to drink and are having one, but current circumstances and personal taste (in that order lol) now dictate that I choose not to drink for the majority of the time.  Spending time with an individual is great, you get to know them look forward to their company, enjoy their company. After a while I consider other aspects of their persona. I have to be so very careful here lol. I have cut down on the social drinking/smoking or do my own thing as I like to say. No no just co’s I am not drinking don’t mean that you don’t have to!! If I fancy a drink I am going to have one regardless of whether or not you choose to nerner!!! Then being me, I may consider that ummm actually you drink quite a lot don’t you!!! While that at fist is merely an observation I do not think that I am some kind of superman/perfectionist and know that this will before long enter into my consideration of how much time I would spend with you. Yes I know we both smoke, but smoking at home alone is different from having two smokers in a house. As it is I can not stand the smell and have serious issues with my own addiction!! So at some point I would invite you less to spend time there!!! Now I do not regard this a being a rejection of the individual, more precisely I would view this as being a rejection/dislike of a circumstance/situation i/e my possible increased smoking or home continually smelling like an ashtray lol!!! From this point one may require an explanation/justification for my supposed change of mind/heart. Why don’t you want me to come down, have you gone of me! I take it your entertaining someone else this weekend lol!!!! I don’t like going down this road. One for the fact that it is not my place to tell others how to live their lives and two it come’s across as some form of dictation/control in that I am trying to change someone and that is not the case. Pushing it to the bottom line, if I more than just liked you (ummm) I would put up and shut up init just accept it. But being in a friendship/relationship I have the option of choice do I not and thus choose not to have that in my life too often. Thus I find my self at a place that I do not recognise in time or space. I have viewed past relationships as just things you fall in and out of init. Ya meet someone like the look’s of them, go find out where there live and knock on there door and ask them if they got time for a coffee and a chat. Well what did ya expect, not like ya every gonna meet me in a pub or club lol!! That at the time was fine, go out with get to know someone and either the relationship progressed or it did not! But now I find myself in the position where ummm no thanks not even for a short while but that does not mean we can not do something lol but not a permanent relationship. I find myself looking for more. Companionship, friendship an equal in kind. Nothing else will do!! Why? Why now? It’s not like I got here all of a sudden. I have noticed my intolerance for others building over time. This is mainly in my personal life but can also be extended to a wider context. What is it about this magic 43 that say’s no sorry all or nothing!!! I have always been an all or nothing kina guy init but now it is getting extreme and I do not find myself perturbed by the fact in fact I am really happy about it lol, but I would like to understand it a little more in order to understand myself a little more I suppose!!!


Back to the life history thingy init. Moved to 15 Minette road Brixton SW9. I moved in with my then best friend Derek and his family i/e mum, dad and two sisters. The house was always so busy, so alive so vibrant. There was always something going on, always someone showing interest and trying to get you involved. I shared their home for what seemed years, good successful years full of experience and growth. I know my living there raised issues for them as a family but as a family they dealt with those and considered me in their deliberations. If there is such a thing as being blessed, I then was for their mere consideration and acceptance of whom and what I was. From there I moved in to Derek’s older sisters house, Sticky (Vicky). A bigger heart you will never find, for each generation has only one of a kind. A loving mother and friend to all. Her home welcomed you as the door opened, but ironically she was one of those who always ended up with shitty men that treated her badly. It was while living there that I met my first baby mother and second true love. True in the sense that I thought I was capable of showing love and devotion and from when I met her no one else would do. Pretty to the bone was Barbara Moran. Irish by birth and nature. I met her while playing tunes dem in a pub when I was about 16. I was a bit pissed off at the time because she was then going out wid this little boucy boy named Andy. I met her liked her and told her so, she told me she had a boy friend (actually Wendy told me, Derek’s girl friend but also not to worry about it as she like me too and would sort things out wid Andy). How was I to know that she would go up to the boy take off her shoe and lick him in his head and tell him they done. My kinda gal, don’t make them like they used to lol!!! Shortly afterwards Barbara, Wendy and Derek moved into vicky’s. Sometime later still wid the gal we ended up living at her mothers in Peckham Rye. We could have been no more than 17 or 18. Carmel Moran had a presence a joyaty to be round. If you didn’t’ laugh she would make you, even if it meant chasing you around the dam yard wid a mop lol. Barb and I had the fist miscarriage while living there. It was not an issue, we dealt with it an moved on. The whole family were every so supportive (Liam, Joey, Neil, Terry and Olivia (Divvy hahaha, I would say that I have never had to run down one gal so much and pull her off older men but that is not the case lol)). I don’t know how it happened but by now I had gained the reputation of being a bit of a fighter. Somewhere between the Ashbolt’s and the Moran’s I had developed a liking for getting into fights. I don’t know what it was, the expression of anger that I felt, the ability to be good at something or just the thug in me lol, but I was known for being able to look after my self and those around me.  Living in Peckham was not a bad thing. I met so many individual’s during that period/time that have made impressions upon me that will last for a long while. But it was the start of a period in my life where I am glad that I did not get to meet me (I would have knocked ya sorry ass out mate(some things never chage hahaha))!!!


The story I always told about meeting Max was a good one. There was this car rolling down Dog Kennel Hill and I chased it, pushed the drunk driver over and brought it to a stop. The driver was Max.  That kind of friendship transcends a bond and at some point becomes love. Calm down you homophobic’s pure joke’s!!! The truth was that neither Max nor I remembered meeting and to be honest it did not matter how it came about. You met us and knew that we were a team!!! Max had a lot of friends and I became like the guard-dog, ever present, not making much noise but growling every now and again. Engage him at your peril for you would not see me coming for you!!! And that’s how we were for ever. If you saw Max you would look around and know that I was not far. You would see us more than you would see us with our girls lol (youth). I gained the nick name smiller or smiley about the only thing I did not do. Max was a borstal kid, in and out more times than he knew. When he was released he would nick a car to get home, dump it and get another to drive around in until he had the time to find the one that he wanted. We were such a bad mixture. We played the game of he was the brains and I was the brawn but in reality I was both. I have no condescending comment to make about Max as at the time and in memory he was my friend (up until a point, self preservation and all that). Socially we would go out, he would drink and I would make sure he got home. I loved his mum to the bone, typical west Indian woman who had brought up the kids on her own Max being the bane of her life (son’s and mothers hay my own experience being the same)!!!  He went in and out of borstal a few time’s for things that I was not involved in before we stared working (ummm) together. By then Barb and I had a flat in Camberwell and were setting up home. Max came out from a shortish stay and we set down to work out how to earn some money and keep his ass out of jail. It worked and our reputation within our little community grow. I worked so that made this a bit difficult, but hay where there is a will there is a way. Max would turn up at 7am with Tenants Super that had been in the fridge from the night before and we would kick in the day. At time’s he would also drop me off at work and pick me up with the equal in the afternoon and then we would go to work, whether this be stealing a car or holding up a shop. This was normal and continued for what seemed a long time back then. When ever we needed money or a change of car it would be the same. The life styles that we became accustomed to meant that we had to start doing this more and more often, until it got to the point where I began to take days off work from the normal job in order to go out and make money with Max. I began to think that we were a good team and invincible. As things progressed and the scale of our actions increased we took on another member. It was obvious that we were up to something, Max was able to live his life style without having a day job and I was beginning to live beyond the limit’s of what my day job could provide for. We took on a partner Barbs middle brother Liam (the supergrass). Liam is and was then a pussy. He had no ball’s, did not make a good get away driver, but he provided that extra body that we needed every now and again. Besides which it was still in the family so to speak. Max had introduced me to everyone as his cousin, and considering that there was more than a passing similarity in our appearances it made it easy for people to believe. Liam was a show off with a big mouth. He had to let bodies know what he was earning top dollar at the time, and he carried on like one of those plastic gangsters. Always running off his mouth and showing bodies what he did and did not have. Lost count of the time’s I had to save his sorry ass, or the times that I really wanted to kick it too. It should not have been a surprise to wake up one morning with five coppers in my bedroom and hand cuffs on before I could blink. They would not even leave the room as I put on my strides, like where am I going to go eight floors up, jokers. In so many way’s I was glad that it was over. Things had got a bit out of hand, and so had I. The kind of things we were doing the next stage would have been to get a gun and go armed on our missions. I put a stop to that by being the person I was. Our employer (as he was just that) stated our right that while he got on with Max and Liam but I made him feel uneasy. He would identify the targets and we would get busy on them. He would not provide guns to us as he stated that he knew something would happen and I would get pissed off and shoot him. He was probably right and did himself a favour but not handing them over when he had them. He was a fence, you got it and he sold it. Many time’s we would agree a price, object etc and then he would tell us where to find it. I disliked him for several reasons. One was that he was greedy and the other that he did not care who was robbed as long as he got his things. The sad thing was that this also included close and extended family member for him. When Liam was picked up by the police and questioned he had told them everything and sent them round my yard. He knew what he was doing and the fact that his sister was once again pregnant and expecting within a few months. But that did not stop him from dobbing us in. As I said when the time came I was more then ready for it. I had got in too deep and there was no turning back. I had gained such a reputation for being the heavy that there was nowhere else for me to go other than down!!! I was mistakenly identified as being the individual carrying a knife on one of our escapades. That was not me, I felt that I had enough front not to need one at the time. The old code then was that you did not grass. Both Liam and Max had records and were both concerned that should they be identified as being the one carrying the knife that they would have received substantially longer sentences. Thus I kept stum. What a pair of cowards. I took the wrap for being the ring leader, which is some respects I was but I was not the individual who had had the knife and ran around waving it and threatening bod’s like some kind of fool. It was expected that because I had never been to borstal before that I would get a year to 18 months. Imagine my surprise on my 20th birthday when we went to court and the judge turned round and stated that I was a deviant and dangerous individual to the extent that he wanted me put away and society made that little bit safer. He took the initiative to change the law. As it stood when we went to court no one receiving a custodial sentence for the first time could be sentenced to more than thirty months. The judge felt that his was not long enough and thus set the president that in my case and in the future it would be possible to sentence a young offending to 4 years for this kind of offence even though it be his first. I did my time and tried my best to keep quiet. The few times they placed my in the same institution as Liam I tried to have him. Even to this day when I rarely see him I would love to take him round the back of somewhere and sort him out. But nothing has chanced about him, he is still a slime ball.


Prison did not agree with me. By the time I was in the fourth or fifth I was getting the message, this was not one you could win. That did not make things easier. I was taken to outside court at one point. This happens when it is felt that the seriousness of the issue at hand required dealing with outside the institution. A guy that I had got close to (and his brother) had his face slit open the one of those unexpected little guys’ you would class as being insignificant. His face was split from eye to mouth. The Doc’s that put it back together obviously did not give a dam and had made a right mess of it. He looked like something Frankenstein had put together than morning. After this lad got cut I went for the guy that did it. I don’t remember a dam thing, but from all accounts I crawled along the floor with five screws on m back when trying to get to this lad. The prison wing that we were in kicked off due to the whole episode and a smallish riot took place. It was felt that I was the main contributor to this up roar and was thus put forward as the instigator. While in side you deal with individuals that you don’t tell where to get off but that you make get off at the first sign of them taking liberties. The record that I had accumulated while there was extensive. The only thing that stopped my sentence from being extended was the fact that when I was not fighting I was the model prisoner and was able to cook. This meant that each establishment that I went to I was immediately put forward to work in the kitchen’s.  while my sentence was not extended, all my remission was revoked and I was down to do all of my sentence. Out of the four years I ended up doing three and a bit. For a first time offender that was just pure shit. I was moved several times for the disturbances that I caused. Fighting had become a way of life and I felt then that I had something to prove with every one that I came into contact with. I spent so much time down the block (solitary confinement) that I began to prefer it there an I would kick off rather than share a cell with some dweeb or nasty. While I thought that I was a bad man in prison I met many sick me. One guy was in for rape, he then proceeded to cut off the girls breast and use it as a tobacco pouch WTF. I spent quite a bit of time with murders and nonces. They being in the more secure units and me being a little shit meant that that was the easiest place to be controlled and thus I ended up there. HMP. Her masjesties pleasure. It means you are put away until it is felt appropriate for you to be let back out into society. What a bummer. This means in affect you have no release date. While you have the option of applying for parole one a year, it was unlikely that you would get it. Some of them guy’s had grown up inside while other’s knew that they would continue to be in there for a long long time.


End of part two!!!

Some things in life just make you go awwwwwwwwwww! They have been best friends since the age of three. They decided that when they have children their children would be best friends too. Now in their twenties both have just had son’s four months apart! That is just so sweet init!!!

Only been back a day, not even twenty four hours and I am already on my way back to Colchester. Screwing big time. Isaiah returned from France last night, had been gone since Monday. Malachi and I have been in both Colchester and Ipswich since Monday and only returned yesterday. I had already been told last week that I was not going to have Isaiah this half term no explanation given, but now he is allowed to come if I go and pick him up. Shut-up and go init but I’m vex for true as I could have just stayed an extra night and brought him back with me, now I have to do another two hundred odd miles. Gonna leave Malachi at home for the first time ever lol. Four hour round trip. Simba will sit on his ass while I am gone and thus I do not feel that I am leaving him alone. It’s been an interesting week. Not sure of the changes but something has, my input seems to receive a different perspective at the moment and I am not sure what it is lol

I went to Nottingham about three years or so ago. I was looking for answers as to who or what I am. On my way to being forty I could have been doing the mid life crisis thing but hay duno init!!! I went looking for my farther. I only had one clue and that was knowing who my half sister was. Met up wid her an her then man Lloyd, diamond of a bloke on a serious level (I think it’s the name Lloyd init as it is my brothers and he is on that same kinda level too). While I do not think that it was a shock to her, the mere fact that I had turned up put things in a different light. All families have secrets, it’s just that most of them keep quiet init. I am not the quiet type lol!!! I did not get to meet Andy as he was in hospital at the time, although I did get to meet another half brother ummmm. Could not believe the similarities’ in not only mine and my sisters chosen paths, education, work, computers but in our persona’s there was so much connection and knowing. Andy died about two weeks ago. He was adamant to the end that I was not one of his widening family. Apparently I had not been his only omission to his wife (?) and kids. It’s strange how things play out. Time reveals all regardless of our attempts to make some things unseen and unheard.


Oioi Noddy and his partner have had a boy lol. Become a right little tribe or warrior men init, bring on the girls I say lol!!!!!


Back to the story hay!!!


I am not really one for holding grudges and the like. Ya piss me off I am gonna tell ya even if it means coming to knock ever so loudly on your door. I was a serious child and am a serious adult, almost to the extreme if I do say so myself. That is something that I say with a kinda pride as I am comfortable with myself and recognise who and how I am. Growing up I had so many questions. Not only about growing but also about circumstances and situations. If you tried to palm me of with one of those none committal answers or tell me that you did not have the time I would go away but be back at ya soon enough looking to pin ya down. Thus it was that I asked members of my family for explanations as to how I felt, and how I felt others treated me. It must have been hard work to have lied to me for 35 years. I wonder during that time how often others considered telling me the truth. Due to the nature of my persona I doubt very much that anyone would have wanted to be the one to come and say ya know your always asking about your past well. I muse myself with the thought but then understand why it got to the stage where no one said anything for thirty five years. How hard is it to look in the face of someone you have lied to for so long. In that category I place my mum and dad, brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins. Up until the age of 14 I found it very hard work personally. I don’t remember hearing any hushed conversations, or being told by a vengeful child looking to get there own back, but I always knew knew that in some way I was different from this lot. The close family visits ceased, I left home and school around the same time and life just moved on.


Gone to visit Noddy and his baby back in a few days joker’s!!!

The bag’s are packed. George is ready for the move!! Angela is due to have the baby within the next seven day’s. Just gonna lock up house and go to Ipswich for a day or two and then the same in Colchester. Coming back via London as mum and dad are back from the States seems like they were gone ages but it was the fact that they were out of the country. Malachi is in the regressive/progressive state after the usual kick off but acceptant of the boundaries and repercussions from his actions. I have no complaints merely observations and considerations at the moment and am enjoying the calm after the storm’s!!!

Told ya!!

so spot on pissing my self!!!


love is the answer for which tho seek


for had it been there in the soul would tho peek


though truth and honesty are upmost in mind


which is why (in) one such as thee perfection did find


obvious the person was showing you the truth


but that spark that magic was still aloof!!!


thus consider the truth that may be


in that are tho words viewed with mind, heart or bodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



now continue this saga for answers to find


already raised are concerns in the mind


words unspoken were doubts do lie


now be real what chance for you and I


something amiss if communication be gone


on one or two level’s it’s surely been fun


but the bottom line viewed and the ground in sight


why share a bed and be alone at night


respect and knowledge of one that is true


does not equate to “I LOVE YOU”


so try as we might to set the scene


in reality it was the best it could have been!!!




We are all aware that love doth grow


no need to question or actions despised


the knowledge would be apparent even without the eyes


a distance was travelled and glimpses seen


not of every day things but of living the dream


and thus to a closure bring the present and past


knowing that to want is not a thing to last!C9FFA2455412E08A!758.entry#comment




In a first encounter situation we perceive and judge the individual upon what we see, hear, smell and feel.


Should this first encounter be proceeded by information supplied by a third party then our preconception of whom this individual is is already an issue.


It is in such circumstances that our perceived and judgemental concept of this individual as being undeserving of respect (where ever we may have obtained this judgement) come’s in to play.


And thus any other individual with whom we discuss, share or are introduced to while in the presence of or under the influence of their persona will pick up upon our disrespect and thus continue the restriction of another.


Thus disrespect is something that we learn.


State your protest as much as you like, but this is how the process of introductions and meetings is played out in our lives. We trust or not the opinions of others. We question or not the validity of our information.



Meet Razor, the sweetest, smoothest creature of nature, bound only by the rules and law’s of the natural world. She eats for she is hungry, but for the judgemental nature of all encompassing man my girl has to eat dead meat for someone has judged that to treat her as a snake is wicked and cruel thus none will support me in allowing her the smallest of freedom’s in giving her the ability to kill her own pray. Pathetic is our cause to save the dignity of the mouse, no suffering, no humiliation in the life of something so small.


Progress is a bless id thing, but put stupidity where it belongs for have you/we really nothing better to do than consider a mouse. Move from me you fool for you have learned more than disrespect you have become stupid in your nature and ridiculous in your cause  


testing times


Woke up two morning’s ago and had to ask myself where I was!! Walked round the house twice thinking ummmm not bad. It was almost as if someone had been in and cleaned the place up. Everything was different!! Where the hell have I been for two years I have to ask!!! Normally these is something in the yard that need’s taking care of but have not even I could find an excuse to get the drill or a screwdriver out, dammmmmmmm.


Woke up this morning and again took a while to think “where am I” (the older boy’s used to have a robot that said that every time it bumped into something, ya know the one init old school lol). Five minutes later I was down stair’s in the landlords face kicking off. The toilet has been leaking for a while now, his brother came to fix it with some of that white tape, bloody cheep skate, a few weeks ago. Well it’s still leaking and I am pissed. It’s not just that it’s the leaking roof (when it rain’s heavy like it did yesterday) which I reported to them like six month’s ago and the fact that the cord light has gone in the bathroom so we have had no light in there for over three months. Good job I like candles jokers.


Well I said last week that I could feel a change coming on, it’s hereeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! The body has gone in to summer mode now lol. Long live hibernation. For me it is the end of the winter blues (think that’s a medical condition now called SAD) some people will uses any label for justification of natural events (PMS pissing myself, there’s gonna be come back’s for that one I know hahaha). For the next six months or so I will now be having eighteen hour day’s lol. It’s funny how we get to know our selves init. I had better find something to do as idle hands and all that.


My mum and dad are due back from the state’s, so soon!!!!!!!! Seems like they just got on the plane an that was like four weeks ago lol. Here lie’s my other bone of contention at the moment. Visit’s to my parents are usually accompanied by visit’s to Colchester and time spent with Isaiah, plus I also get to see the older boy’s init, Dom, Noddy and Kev!! I do not think that I can go down there at the moment without kicking off so best not go init. Malachi went down there some two week’s ago for his birthday and the bank holiday. Something kicked off. No one is telling me, it’s like there are no other adults down there or something. Don’t ask me what happened. I got the usual phone call asking me to come and get him at some ungodly hour but I said no. For me that is a first in like fourteen years. I have been told that he is not going back!! There is nothing I can say, I am past the stage of dictating how others should live (was there for time not nice) but that now mean’s that the formal plans with Isaiah are out of the window. I have him every half term and the odd weekend, but speaking with Isaiah three days ago he was told to tell me that he is not coming down this half term. Now trying to balance this out I spoke with Malachi in regards to how his inappropriate relationship’s with adults including his mother are now affecting not only his own life, he will see his bro’s and friends down that side a lot less now, but that it had also now encroached upon the relationship between me and his youngest brother!!! Good uses of a situation but not how I really feel. There are three adults that live in the dam house, with the other two brothers about that make’s five. I know Malachi can be ever so challenging on fronts that you would not believe but hay come on we have known this about him since he was three!!! What perturbs me is the fact that being an adult I want an explanation as to what went on!! My son went away for the weekend, ended up in some big argument with two of his brothers plus his mother and took off a door (why do boy’s do that!!!) and no one is talking. It’s that bad that he can not go back and his mother is now saying his younger brother can not come here I’m like WTF!!! Something’s a miss here!!! Considerations of manipulation come to mind, most times he is down there I am like four doors down the road wid one of my son’s ex’s Maz you’re a little angel, that usually allows for time out should he need it lol sounds a lot like work to me hahaha. And to be honest there are times where he has had to use it at odd hours but hay kids can be unpredictable. But I will be dammed if I will go down there and sort things out again. I should feel confident enough to trust my son with his mother and brothers. I should be able to feel that they know him well enough to deal with his issues (which are also their’s). If I go down there an say anything it would not be about him but about their appropriate or not behaviour as adults. I had better shut up now init lol!!!


Gone but coming back later!! Got man flu init jokers!! And while I really am the worlds worst sick person, this blockage literally of external everything is making the emotions get in line to be dealt with jokes for life!!!


The papa smurf thing is from double trouble Die and Malachi who were taking the mic out of my shadow with a hat on that really did look like papa smurf!!! lol



Bout time MSN got there act together with the blog thing init, but still not too pleased about going to all these other sites to load ya shit up first init, too much dam information joker’s!!


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