Archive for July, 2008


Rainy days rainy days

Rainy days rainy days

Walking quickly covered in haze

Watch the world wash away our dreams

Such power has nature to wipe us clean

Bustling cars who’s tracks are washed

No sign of what is done in such a rush

Stand at ease and take my time

Soaked to the skin poor dog of mine

Taken cover beneath the big oak tree

Watching the world rush by both he and me

No hurry no rush but merely that time

Taken in this space observations I do fined

Where are we going in such safety or ours

Secluded shielded in vans and cars

We really are not made to cope

Out side alone no protection no hope

At the mercy of the elements you see

Thank god this rain is warm upon me

Sounds of the stream goes rushing by

Stop to look and think god what am I

Not able to stop even the slightest of things

That smell of the country damp air it does bring

Dried up fields of yesterday

Once looked golden but are cinnamon today

No longer crispy and dry under foot

But now like cookies or gingerbread cooked

Yesterdays earth that was dry and cracked

Now looking fertile and ready to fight back

Small observations in a really large world

What chance of others to notice a written word

How hard it is for little birds to sing

But still they manage and to us all hope bring

Cleansing of air, time moment and space

Tomorrow I’ll pass and not recognise this place

Dog jumping mad as if to escape

No dodging this rain was this walk a mistake

Half way there and taking my time

Why rush or hurry would be such a crime

Not to notice those aspects in time

Those so little things that could be divine

 

 

 

I come to you with hope in mind

I know of no other for the self help me find

I know I am here, somewhere in this mess

You knew me before to that I contest

So come help me now in my time of need

Apologies’ for before my actions my greed

But knew as you did that I was growing in time

This is the place where I want you friendship to find

Come give me a hand and lend me an ear

For no other can find me or save me I fear

So hurry if you can for this time is short

I have crawled through the clouds just

To send you such thoughts

Should I not be here when you do arrive

Consider my request to keep me alive

Don’t give up on me now or allow me to fall

For with you friendship again I will stand tall

Come quickly come quickly for I fear you see

That person in the mirror no longer looks like me

Unconditional positive regard!!!

Often mistaken for being in love

Reflected in actions as if from above

Longing to be the one of such dreams

Silenced are doubts and inner most screams

Uncertain of actions based upon such words

Often spoken but infrequently heard

Truth requested truth denied truth being

The answer to such feelings inside

Unequal concern mistaken in kind

Responsibility questioned acts denied

Love mistaken for gratitude in mind

Trust misplaced passion and lust defined

Transference being the basis of like

Adults consider such actions in light

Take heed of such times in proximity close

Help heal the other and give them the most

Put aside your feelings and continue your growth

For your position should be one of mental worth

 

Dedicated and inspired by all those individuals that I know, have spoken to and have been told about who fall into the trap of displacement of emotions and considerations of appropriate conduct when it is their responsibility to care for those others in a professional capacity but are waylaid by sentiments and personal attractions and thus end up in long term unfortunately unsuccessful relationships with their clients!!! Get to grips with it and get some professional help as it is obvious that you need it!!! Such things were known, understood supported and discarded by me some twenty odd years ago so where you going with that now I got no idea, check ya self jokers!!!!

My baby sleeps without a sound

No disturbance as peace dose abound

Strange how such change can come about

Controlled environment no requirement to shout

Unable to guide such shining lights

Expressions of love and support at night

Distant thunder of approaching storms

Walk find joy among such thorns

Consequences seen for acts of love

Damnation confrontation as if from above

No questions will be asked for the sake of love

Restrictions removed persons mentally shoved

Differences viewed upon insight

Amused bewildered to see one’s self fight

Clashing aspects of what really is me

More understanding of what others do see

Narrowed view restricting the light

If you close them tightly you would swear it was night

So much blindness and ears that do shun

So much hatred for those having fun

No personalisation no segregation of one

All are included in this destructive scene

For none are worthy except me you see

 

 

Visions of excellence

Times to regress

Developed in admiration
put severely to the test

Notions of love making

In emotional voids

Realisations of individuals

Toyed

Acceptance of standing

Avoidance to truth

Realisations

No longer in youth

Perceived understanding

Of things once undone

Reliance belonging

The two become oneday3 007day3 008day3 009day3 010day3 011day3 012day3 013day3 014day3 015day3 016day3 004

Look closely look closely

Can you not see

That those things there

Are representing me

Things I can do and

Things that I like

Motivated to stupid

Times late at night

Sole interactions

For body and mind

Those that challenge

And those that define

Personal growth

And expansion of me

Trying so hard on

All levels you see

Not to impose or

Controlling to find

Self motivated for

The individual combined

 

 

Happy states for the mind to be in

No contemplating what should have been

Forward thinking and progressively kind

Strip down to essentials for convenience in time

Reorganisation of the person in me

Some understanding of the future to see

Possibilities abound dependant on state

Longevity has shown that some make mistakes

Changed perception and interactions in kind

Thoughts of forgiveness and acceptance declined

Social observation of interactions it seems

Have many advantages for those who would dream

 
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It’s official it’s summer time and I can not keep my clothes on any longer. Have to walk street or bush in my case wid as little on as possible. My excuses now are two fold in that it is too hot to stay in the yard with Isaiah all day and the dog needs to get out for a swim pmsl!!! We set of for Rutland this early afternoon and didn’t make it funny as shit. Went to the field that is normally empty and is the ideal place to fling one of them mega frizzbies but it was occupied by two horses. I have always had a fear of dem dam things init. The idea that an animal can be so large and musclular does not sit right wid me lol. Pissed myself when Isaiah walked half way through the field to go say hello to one and came pelting back minus one shoe but the thing was chasing him. Let Simba sit by the fence and him and the horses introduce themselves before trying to walk him across the field on his lead. Lol the horses followed us closely and Simba looked weary for the first time every init. After a couple of hours walking ever so slowly we had not got anywhere so we sat chatted and had lunch and stuff before heading back to town. One of the few locals that I chat wid Deb’s popped by the suggested diving round to her’s for a bbq wid the kids an shit. Was just thinking of having me nap, nicely pointed out by Isaiah jokass!!! It was a nice afternoon init. I did the cooking an shit and the kids just came and went, drank and ate while us oldies catered for their every bloody need. Simba loved it as Deb’s and her family always spoil him rotten and his was on hand to pick up all those bit’s that did not make it to the mouth hahaha. Really don’t know where the day went too, but it was sweet still init. Played Rainbow six original with Isaiah till stupid o’clock and have run him off to his bed now init. Gonna sort out some chaser emails and then gonna crash out on the sofa as Isaiah has got control of my bed room and the boy blasted fidgets too much for me to be kipping in there wid him lol. Can feel it already that this is gonna be another week of where the hell did it go kinda thing, but hay school hols and shit and Isaiah has not been down these sides to stay for many a month so just taking it easy (as always init).

Contemplating contemplating those things I often do

Reflective practices of what it is to be me not you

Wondering what life has to show

Conflicting motivations for directions to go

Recognised conceptions of places I have been

Indications of those things somehow not seen

Acceptance of those incidents that have encroached

Withdrawn from interactions in personal mist growth

 

 

Forced to the surface those things back in mind

Imposed images of things no longer defined

Realisation of limits not reached

Examination of history once preached

Confusing of issues

Repression now seen

Removed are obstacles

Obscuring the dreams

Once again now visions

Of what is to come

Comfort in the knowledge

That this was the way

Things needed to be done

Safe is the concept of developing man

For I as an individual have done

All that I can

Not for you

Or the notion of greed

For mere longevity

The chance for others

To succeed

 

 

My heart is not mine own to give

No matter the motive

For it has lived a life

Experienced motivation

For love and stiff

Grown and hardened

To the cold facts of truth

Love being possessive

And reliant upon truth

Levels indicated of acceptance

Of me

Looking longing

For the person I could be

Haunted by visions of what have been

Anticipated guest the one in my dream

 

 

The hug I gave you

Was for your peace of mind

A reflection of the person

Behind

The one hidden

From others to see

The individual who

Introduced your heart

To me

You have taken

What no other has from me

A part that is yours

For all to see

Do what you will

With what was once mine

For it was your help

That enabled me define

Me

It’s not that I miss you

In the cold of the night

Nor that I’m alone

In avoidance of fright

But I feel your presence

In those parts of me

Hidden discarded

From others to see

I hear your call

In the deepest of dreams

Rush to awaken

For your with me it seems

Hard to distinguish

Fiction from fact

Was that you in the mirror

Looking right back

Was it me

Is it you

Reflected answers

Of what to do

 

 

 

I scare you I know

With the things that I say

Really no telling

What it was that made

Me this way

Somewhere buried

Deep in my past

Is those aspects

That even today

Still last

Those everlasting things

That separate me

From the rest of the world

Can you not see

Yes I am different and

Sometimes strange

Thought provoking

Often bringing out

Rage

Not in self

But in others it would seem

That my mere presence

Is disturbance to their dreams

So it is with openness of mind

I look I observe and often define

The world that I see

And things that you do

Who do I thank

For not being you!!!

 

 

Awake now wondering

What to do

Go back to sleep

Catch up with you

Restless emotions

Of feelings defined

Looking searching

Not sure what I’ll find

Knowing direction

Not sure where to go

Avoidance of those

Who ignorance did show

Time will tell

The story of life

Justify or not

This continual

Strife

Nothing has changed

In my heart or mind

Reflected images

Of things I did find

Body telling

It’s story of time

Limbs now withered

Wrinkles defined

 

 

I wish you luck in all you do

For all your loving is coming back to you

Those special times when you took me aside

Help up my chin and introduced me to pride

Showed me those things others denied

Opened my eyes to those who hide

Explained to me this falseness of time

Enabled me to look and define

 

 

Stupid O’Clock!!!!

Carnt get my arse on msn messenger at the moment and maybe that is not such a bad thing as managing to catch up wid hole heep lol. I feel kinda written out init drained of composure so to speak. Time to get physical one way or another… must be that summer thing of activity pmsl!!!

 

 

Dam I am hot. Took the dog out for a walk thinking it might help me cool down and came back sweating like a second hand peace of pork pmsl!!!

 

Got the most papers to go through before tomorrow morning as the council phoned and said they wanted to meet tomoz at ten! Lets go see what they have to say hay then plead the firth amendment haha if only!!!

 

Still up at stupid o’clock init!! Done cook up nuff things for the boys them when they get back init. Got a few things to pick up again at Tesco’s tomorrow. Ganna take my usual list just encase I bump into another blasted fool. Man made me forget my sugar and I vex now as had only one coffee this evening pmsl

 

Trashed the front room in preparation for the mornings meeting with the council. Gone dam boss eyed cross referencing and shit!!! Could do with a full time legal assistant lol. Gone to my bed as I must be the only fool up at stupid o’clock!!!

Sambo!!!

Sambo!!!

 

I’m not usually in town during the day, too busy for me and often means I have to put Simba on a lead. Went post office and shit and was cutting through town to pick up some stuff from Tesco’s when some guy passed me, he must have been in his fifties or so. The cheeky fucking shit looked me straight in the eye and said “alright sambo”. I went up to him and said as quietly as I could (ready to explode on his ass from time) that that was rather an offensive name that he had just called me and that I did not expect to hear it from him ever again! He apologised and said that he did not realise. I really don’t give too shits as to other peoples opinion until the point where they think they can verbalise it and there be no repercussions. The longer I live in this god forsaken shithole the more I realise that it is in fact merely a matter of time before I really hurt someone!!! It would only take someone like that fool saying something like that to Malachi or Isaiah for me to go ballistic on their sorry ass and unfortunately those who reside here think that they have the right to insult and otherwise disrupt of the lives of those they do not take too.

 

Other than that things are sweet!! On track with the house clean and managing to catch up with some paper work between sessions on the xbox pmsl!!! Gonna blast out some tunes soon and drown down the place wid some bad man tunes dem init lol while I do the cooking up a storm thing. Man made me so vex forgot half of what I went Tesco’s for so have to go back later pissing up my self wid jokes or I might have to go out there and carry on militant like!!!

 

Shaz don’t let me have to come looking for you to get a response and Ghetto Monkey Cinders, still trying to catch up wid you on MSN chat init!!!

 

Don’t ask how many weeks I been on the dam car yet but still carn’t done hehe!!!040708 153040708 155040708 156040708 157040708 158040708 159

I have only got three days of this summer!!!

 

Malachi is off to his mothers and brothers tomorrow and will be back with Isaiah on Sunday and that’s it my total time off for the summer.

 

Some how I have to fit in my bike test one week and my fork lift licence two days I think. Will do the bike test in Leicester and the fork lift in Colchester then can get to see the gandkids and boys at the same time. Need to chase up my daughter too as not heard from her in a while init! Wonder if it’s co’s I wanted to go down and kill her man for the way he was carrying on a few months ago pmsl!!! Still such is life init

 

Gonna tell you a story! So unlike me as I am not really a story teller (or any other form of entertainer for that matter lol).

 

Was out walking the dog a couple of Monday nights ago. Monday is usually a quiet one, still shit on the streets from the weekend, glass food an all that but not many bodies about. Bumped into this girl wid her chin cut open, said she had been fighting wid some other girls over she ramping wid there men init hahaha (kids). Anyways Simba being the nice dog that he is offered to walk her home. Poor girl was so mashed out her face that she was trying to come on to this old man wid kids older than her (jokes). While chatting wid her there was this car driving back and forth like they was looking for someone, asked the girl who it was an was they looking for her and she tell me bout don’t worry about it they only after a screw!! WTF!!! I looked at the girl and was thinking look pan you, half mash up and bleeding an man a still run you down and you too drunk to even give a serious dam about it. Took the retch home gave her the phone and told her to call someone and clean up her face an shit as her chin was covered in blood. Again co’s she so pissed she was trying it and had to tell her straight but I got a boy in the next room that is only a couple of years behind you so where you think ya going wid that lol. She tried to tell me bout it was ok as she was 22 an shit and I had to put her straight again and tell he that I was not ramping as to her I was big man and them things just don’t go on init. Two two’s the girl was on her way out the door. Ya see me while I don’t mind doing my bit I reach the age now where my bit only goes so far init and it don’t include trying to chat sense wid drunk people as they don’t have no reasoning. Having already run of the man them in the car (nice one Simba as him standing in the road had them reversing big time pissed my self) I was not concerned that something else would happen to her. See how country life good pmsl. Spent the next two weeks arranging to meet up wid this girl and give her back her handbag init, much to Malachi’s annoyance as told him straight was not meeting no young gal in park on street corner or anywhere else for that matter as to me that just aint right ya get me!!! Ended up having to go bang down some door to get rid of this dam handbag (well it was more like keeping my finger on the buzzer till I could hear people cussing and someone been told to get out of their bed and answer the door hehe). Well I wasn’t going up there init lol. Malachi know’s the girl. She one of the group them that drink an smoke down the park, usually on a weekend but this girl must have just found her freedom or some shit as she was out there often init. Not even gonna go into the stories that Malachi was telling but boy so glad that I don’t have a girl child of my own (other than my Lou) as would have to go kill a man for the kinda things that they carrying on wid now lol. Castle park is a young peoples zone and as such it’s left for them to occupy other than the odd dog walker for most of the evenings and all weekends. By the church ya get the one or two cars them park up to drop off or pick up, down by the car park ya get the chimneys dem wid the car full up aa weed smoke, when they bust the door or window is pure jokes!! Hehe often it’s more like ya can hear car doors dem lock as me an the dog draw near pmsl!!! This is a cultural thing for certain youths them who are free at such and such a time. When ever I pass through there is always the same bodies give or take a few and they always split up in the same old same old way, skaters and bikers bmx on the ramps, smokers on the benches and drinkers on the band stand. Not one of them is old enough to blow their nose good but everyone knows they are there and they are left too it. From what I hear a few of the mothers dem down here got sorted in every which way in that park for the first time init. Drink, sex an drugs. The thing is they are allowed to get on with it. Ya see the police dem up and down the high street, round by the youth club an shit, but never, never do you see them in the park or it’s car park!!! Some people are allowed to fail, given the space and encouragement to do just that. Malachi is grounded till he’s sixteen and that is the end of it. I can only pray that by then he will be able to see sense rather than just continue to do what is expected of him and what he is directed too i.e join in with the local drug dealers and carry on like a bad man!!!!  

 

Must squeez in a few hours somewhere to put Isaiah’s laptop back together! might even get him to give a hand as is pure entertainment needed to keep him stimulated.

 

Surprise surprise got another computer to fix up sharp this weekend as Isaiah’s house machine is playing up again. Should have let me format it’s sorry ass the last time I had it hear init!!! Expecting a visit from Kevin soon to do the same wid his init as I hear it aint running to good!!! Kids ya got to love um init!!! But its nice to be of some use lol!!!

 

Look pan dee time gone walk street wid the hound.

I see the pain a glint in your eye

I look for understanding

The knowing of why

Surely I know this look from before

 

I see the pain a glint in your eye

Don’t mistake that look from me

For there is no hidden motivation

Can you not see?

 

I see the pain a glint in your eye

Hold you caress you allow you to cry

Share with you that burden of might

With support see how it’s now light

 

I see the pain a glint in your eye

Close my mind memories wonder by

Times in past when things were for me

A look in my eye’s and the pain you would see

 

I see the pain a glint in your eye

Come hold my hand I’ll teach you to fly

Close your eye’s and ease away such pain

Fly with me now new insights to gain

 

I see no pain but a glint in your eye

How impressive your smile

Mind wondering why help me fly

Look in my eye’s and do you not see

That without your pain you are a reflection of me

 

 

 

Trying to get out of this recent habit of the repetitive first line HELP!!!!!!!!!

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I feel it necessary to explain to you

Those things I like and often do

I think it’s time that you really knew

What it is that differentiates me from you

 

I feel it necessary to explain to you

That I do what I want and not what suits you

I sleep when tired and eat till I am full

Walk when needed and run like a dog in the woods

 

I feel it necessary to explain to you

That money is not my motivation

But merely to do those things that

I’ve given contemplation

 

I feel it necessary to explain to you

That like my poems I will not remain the same

Look into my history this is no game

I change I grow I regress at times but

 

I feel it necessary to explain to you

That what impresses others is not

What I would choose to do

But this often is reflected in you

 

I feel it necessary to explain to you

That I have a heart to which I stay true

It gives me guidance and growth in kind

For upon it’s feelings my life be defined

 

I think it necessary to explain to you

You were in my life but now your through

Not that I have chosen this way

But reflect up you actions and read what I say

 

I think it necessary to explain to you

That unlike most others to my word I’m true

I gave you warnings and actions in sight

Highlighted those things that I deem as right

 

I think it necessary to explain to you

That in my life there is no room for you

Not for your troubles or darkness of mind

For you are not worthy of me or my kind

 

I think it necessary to explain to you

That a world is the difference between

Me and you

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You told me you were my friend

I reached out for you

Thought upon you I could depend

How was I to know that you did not mean your words

 

You told me you were my friend

You did not say from the beginning

That this was based upon how I responded

That upon your emotions this would depend

 

You told me you were my friend

I looked for you when my need was great

The reaction I saw was not one of love

More closely related to hate

 

You told me you were my friend

And thus I opened up my heart and mind

You did not say that your friendship

Would be restricted to if you liked what you find

 

You told me you were my friend

For you I made time

Wanted you to know that

On some others you could depend

 

You told me you were my friend

I looked out for you and to others

Your ways I did defend

Hold your peace your talking about my friend

 

You told me you were my friend

I did not realise that you were expecting

Me to respond in a certain way

For your eyes were closed and you did not say

 

You told me you were my friend

But time has shown that you are not true

Things have come about that show me you

I have not changed but am no longer in your life

 

You told me you were my friend

I feel grateful that upon you I did not depend

You have shown to me who you really are

That I must give you love to have come this far

 

You told me you were my friend

But you drained my soul of energies found

Left me dying and empty on very cold ground

Thank you for being my friend now go away and don’t pretend!!

 

 

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Gamers to the end

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