Archive for October, 2010

Ok so its stupid o’clock and I am not tired… just watched the second movie tonight this one being mirror’s and the one before being the Lazarus project . Both fairly reasonable and the first time I had seen either… sorting out the spare drive and seeing what music and movies are on it.

I went for a run at about ten yesterday evening with the intention of tiring myself out and sleeping for a reasonable amount of time…. my hips hurt and I have smoked less but have not managed to sleep as yet… gonna start with a coffee type up some poems and see how I feel after that…

Still looking for that form of expression but with so many things going on in the background I do not seem able to or want to focus on anything….

The waiting game has started and I am due for the first op on my arm in December… wankers have left it that long that they are saying that the only way to now sort out the bicep is to take a tendon from the wrist thus making them both weak… I’m like what the fuck I’ve waited seven months for a surgeon to tell me he should have seen me six months ago then he might have been able to save both biceps…. anyone got a bomb, gun, explosives or a tank they don’t need I want to flatten Rutland….!

Should my heart be broken

Then do not worry for me

For I am able to continue

Or do you not see that the

Hearts motivation is one of

A kind

Leaving its remains for those

Willing to find the clues and

Indications to where it has been

What did happen and what was


In those crucial times that made

It surpass all that was empty for

That which would last

Should my heart be broken

Then I will carry on devoid of

Emotion or singing of songs

For without it I can manage

For just look at me but expect

Not a reaction to be reflective

Of me for my heart has been

Broken and there is no repair

No ability to compromise nor

Ability to care

Should my heart be broken

Once you have experienced the extreme of an emotion how would or could you settle for anything less. I was reading up on emotion and making one or two notes when I took a break and ended up watching The Hurt Locker…. it’s not until the end of the movie that you get an understand and insight into why the bomb disposal guy acts like his has a death wish. It was the only thing in life that made him feel alive and in fact he describes it as being the only thing left in life that he loved. Considering that he was talking to his baby son when he made this revelation is somewhat disturbing but understandable. Ok it’s dramatisation made for tv but…… as always there is an element of connection there that is understandable. How can so many that have been to war go back to normality after the things that they have seen and done. Once a line is crossed how does one go back to being something that one is not i/e normal. We expect so much of others without consideration and yet we do not understand our selves….!

The wind blew and the leaves came to greet my pain
The sun hid and was covered by the rain and clouds
From my heart
And thus a storm does brew

If I held you I would never let you go
So best I keep my diatanc and never
Let it show that my mind is in turmoil
To settle for less and give my all that
Chance of rest and recuperation from
This life that has been such a test of
Endurance and strength for all I can
Possibly be
I seek with an undying vengeance all
That does await me in my hour of abandonment

Silently I wait for the turning
Of the tide as if it could roll
Back the hands of time and
Place me in a distant past
Where all would be seen so
Clearly and knowledge would
Be a thing to last a lifetime
Silently I wait for the turning
Of the tide to which my emotions
Are linked as if by the umbilical
Cord of nature herself I await to
Be born into a world of illusion
Where peace is as unnatural as it
Is in this world or ours
Silently I wait for the turning
Of my mind to look and see the
Hypocrisy of this life that is
Destined for confusion of the
Souls born within it
Silently I wait for the turning

Wait until I am dead and gone

Before you tell me you love me

Leave it till then for heart may

Not cope

No need for tears of consideration

For another place to be is my

One wishful hope

Wait until I am dead and gone

And then do not miss me

For rest assured I will be alright

Never alone or lost in the darkness

Removed and transformed to never

Ending light

Wait until I am dead and gone

Before you judge me

For then maybe you know that

I song my own song

Not listening or following others

But steadily slowly plodding along

Wait until I am dead and gone


When I watch a film like American History X my mind goes mad. Not with the concept of hatred or racism or those of social or political justice but at the power of images and words to portray such a powerful and correct reflection of both my own and human nature. But the power that is within this film is the power of human emotion in the guise of relationships both reflective of power in adults and the ability of children to soak it up entirely thus promoting our inadequacies. American History X is liked by everyone I know for different reasons we all latch on to that which reflects us the most and as such this time round I saw what it is that we as adults do to our children and children of the world. To be honest we’re not doing too good a job are we….! I see the same extreme ideologies expressed in the form of immigration polices depicted on the news when I watch it. I draw no distinction from that of the portrayal in films like American History X and current European polices to create a fortress Europe. The only difference being my emotive response to both would be a passionate one and those I see hear and speak too distinguish between the two. I know racist both black and white and each would pick a side to be on in either the film or politics justifying each according to their own perspective. To me both are wrong. How can we as a people know so much about what is wrong with both us, humans, and our societies but yet we do nothing to elevate the suffering of individuals and groups alike. Are we really that gullible to see this as mere entertainment and a reflection of our passivity in the face of human suffering. Having followed the news over the last few days of the effects upon the islands of Indonesia I found myself asking if I really cared what happened to a group of islands that turned their backs on the amount of paedophilia that is allowed to carry on upon their shores. Ok so it’s sad that life has been lost but I feel that it is even sadder for those upon the islands to not prosecute every paedophile that gets off a plane or a boat and abuses the local children. And thus is my dilemma and salvation in one. My personal concept of who deserves what and why. Trying to brake myself free of such restrictions is a continual battle of self examination and consideration and thus I understand why the European immigration polices will hold up and we will have a fortress Europe and why people will sit back and let others suffer for we can justify such sufferings for those we consider to be the “they” or “other” as they are never a part of the “we”. If there ever was a god he long ago abandoned us and has been replaced by a political party supported by trained psychologist, economist and hypocritical religious leaders….!

Still playing with this wp thingy… its all taking time once again to learn just to blog which I somewhat resent MSN for and their continual pissing about with the live spaces…..

If I told you I were lonely
Would you hold my hand
And walk with me a ways
Along this path that life
Has for me
Would you lead me to a place
Where my footing were sure
And leave me in a place where
I could find my own way watching
From a distance to make sure I did
Not stumble and hurt myself

If I told you I were lonely
Would you hold me in this darkness
Of life and speak to me of good
Things until the sun rose and embraced
Us both with it’s beauty and light
Thus feeling secure to let me walk
And find my own way in the daylight

If I told you I were lonely
Would you say you know the feeling
Too and had been searching for me
And now that you found me this was
How it would be just the two of us
In a world of darkness taking turns
To light the paths of destruction and
Helping each other to see those things
In life that sometimes slip by in the
Shadows of the moon

If I told you I were lonely
Tell me what you would
Tell me

Read More

via DeepDarkDangerous

Time stood still for a while
As I walked the darker places
Of the earth seeing those things
Of which people choose not
To see

Time stood still for a while
As I drink of the depths of
Despair of those abandoned
By all aspects of the light
And left to their own de-vices

Time stood still for a while
And I too stood still so as
Not to be seen with my
Intrusive mind in places
No longer meant for me

Time stood still for a while
As recognised faces drifted
Past me as if shadows of their
Former selves lost in a time
Of reflection

Time stood still for a while
Until I awoke and knew that
A space had been created
For us to see those things
That so often pass us by

Time stood still for a while

I’m a bit dubious about alternative ways of being, lifestyles and thinking that are promoted within society as a whole but increasingly more so using the internet. Take out those with religious connotations for the long standing and known ability to subdue the masses and you are left with a few new age wannabes and some old school nonsense that has been kicking about forever. But in reality they are all crap….! No one can show us something new most things we are seeing are things that have been about forever and someone has just figured out a name for it and has thus presented it as being such and such. But the reality is that we are encased in a manmade hell which we call society who’s main purpose is to currently make us consumers of rather than livers of life….!

Not that any of us were about to remember the poor law…. designed to kick people off the land and force them to cities where coincidently factories were waiting to employ them.. but doesn’t it seem to be another thing that the government is bringing in from way back when. The original poll tax was one of these antiquated laws dug up on the books to make money for the then Mrs Thatcher’s government… once again the poor are on the move and the objective is to make them move from the capitals which are no longer the homes of many businesses and thus make them available to go where there is work in the outer counties and those places now where most shopping is done at the weekend mega stores and industrial estates. Private business is again driving government policy after all those on there boards sit on the benches of parliament and the lords. It’s really quite concerning that the royal family has not stepped in and disbanded parliament and sacked every one of the incompetent bastards that have been sitting their for far too long….!

I do not recall ever having watched a movie in bed…. I suppose I must have done at some point, I think… why is it only now that I perceive the idea as one which seems comfortable and appealing… Nicolas Cage in Knowing….

Jealousy that eater of men

Hides contrives and comes

Back again

To eat from within under

Different guise

No new conceptions to

Baffle the eyes

Jealousy that eater of men

Can make one a fool again

And again

Turning wise men into fools

Making those worthy break

All the rules

Jealousy that eater of men

Not being fussy and seeking

To befriend

Wants nothing less than we

All pretend

That it was worth it in the end

Jealousy that eater of men

Lust that eater of men

Gluttony that eater of men

Greed that eater of men

Sloth that eater of men

Wrath that eater of men

Envy that eater of men

Pride that eater of men

Cries for help upon manipulation
Bodies distorted in consideration
Longest lives are being lived
So much to offer with so little
To give
Cries for help upon manipulation
Powers exchanged with contemplation
Of who has what and how much it
Will cost
Weighed are options of who pays
And who lost
Cries for help upon manipulation
Focused are concepts of recreation
Of distant times and places of being
Watched is history before us on screen
Cries for help upon manipulation

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