My head hurts. Been puking for two days. It started Saturday when I started the reading for the hearing on Monday. Purely stress-related antagonising my GCA Giant Cell Arthritis. This will be the death of me a brain tumor or some such thing. In-between the tears and the choking as I puked through my nose it was something that I wished for yesterday just to bring an end to it all but no such relief just more intensified pain. Migraines I can take had them all my life, after the projectile vomiting thing two days curled up somewhere and everywhere and you begin to emerge. This on the other hand is here, it’s allowing me to function but everything is such effort when done from behind a vale of pain and fear fear of what’s coming knowing that I have emails in my inbox that require attention now and that reading them will ignite the force and magnitude and push me to relive revisit examine every detail was I correct, did I do my best, what did I do wrong??? The answers are yes, yes and nothing. And yet my head is hurting and I would welcome the freedom of death.

I’m dying slowly painfully daily each time I have to respond to the court or a solicitor or attend a hearing or answer the phone or explain why I’m not working why I’m applying or what happened. The once or twice weekly phone calls with my mother are now on court hearing dates and deadlines. “How did things go” “are you praying” “I’m praying for you”. The light has dimed in our relationship for every black person knows to challenge racism is to bring about your own demise and those that stand stand as a challenge for the majority that will not. No one else talks to me for I am consumed it is my first and last thought what was it I just read how is that applicable what is the correct procedure what have I missed.

I’m self-representing again. Like the criminal justice system the race discrimination system comes down to who you can afford to represent you and I can’t afford justice and I’m watching as it is stripped away from me in legality of time continuation of events and perceived lack of effort contradictory requests and appeasement of the other. And in that mix I am irrelevant other than to say I have created become that perceived problem. I read I research I examine for I do my best in all things and yet still I struggle my head hurts.

I’m reading and seeing the commonalities in cases presented struck out and getting an understanding of the pressures that are imposed and the justification given for the reduction of remedies in the majority of cases, vexatious, malicious, unwarranted, unfounded, unsupported all to reduce as far as possible the legality of accountability and minimalise remedies.

There’s no help out there for me. I took my proposal to a pro bono consultation and was aggressively asked what is it that you want from us from what I can see you’ve got the basics down I would have given a lot less detail but other than that how can I help you? But my self-representation represents a threat to this whole industry that benefits from our pain, humiliation, degradation and suffering charging currently up to 35% no win no fee which let’s face it is the direction we average people have to go should we make it that far. Even when we’re winning it’s at a loss for we do not have that level of economic stability and freedom which necessitates voice choice or control over our own lives.

The photo’s are a statement of my being. I eat sleep dream and shit racism and it’s isolated me for I have to check my own understanding and self for both correctness and how I measure up to a legal system that is bias while promoting itself as just. Most cases fail by being out of time and thus one is from the outset pressured into making a claim, pressure amounts to mistakes which amount to dismissal of claims and there is nowhere in that process for the humanity of experience self-evaluation reflection by the time you find out its too late unless you can pay…..!

I passed first year law LLB in 1993. I was called into the dean of the schools office and informed that the police had displayed such interest over the last year in where I was and what I was doing that it was felt that I would never be allowed to practice upon completion of my degree and thus it was suggested that I take a year out and consider another path which I did. That’s one of those if I knew then what I know now moments. My main thoughts now are not with my case but with how I can help others those that don’t get this far, that are dismissed without redress for succumbing to the hostile environments that fail to register their cases in time that can not afford representation or that succumb to the emotional and physical pressure of it all. If you don’t’ look broken you won’t get help and by then for many the damage is already done for there is no winning here how dare you poke your head up so high………….